Celebrity Worms In Their Eyes returns

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Friday, 21 August 2020

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It is the televisual event viewers have been begging for. Not seen since 2011, Celebrity Worms In Their Eyes returns for a new series on ITV3 this weekend, and it is a treat.

Matthew Kelly had his restraining order lifted especially to film the programme, in which celebrities dress up as their favourite worm. The idea is simple, yet so appealing.

The first edition begins with Stacey Dooley, who gets to complete the famous phrase, "Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be a rare type of nematode worm, Xiphinema Diversicaudatum." She disappears into the mists, then returns in full costume. After prancing about for a minute, she astoundingly moults to reveal a realistic two-part oesophagus, then pretends to infest a giant foam strawberry.

Alan Titchmarsh is the second guest, and predictably wants to be a common earthworm, Lumbricus Terrestris. He lumbers around in the outfit pretending to dig while soil and dirt is tossed at him. It makes for fascinating viewing.

Holly Willoughby completes the lineup. Controversially, she chose not to be a worm, but to dress up as Boris Johnson. Although Matthew Kelly initially tried to refuse her as Johnson is not a biological worm, he could not deny that in personality and spirit he is incredibly worm-like. Willoughby then donned her bizarre suit and wig and writhed on the floor like an actual worm while failing to answer questions from opposition leader Keir Starmer, in perhaps one of the most erotic displays in television history.

Celebrity Worms In Their Eyes is broadcast this Saturday on ITV3 at 18:30, and repeated thrice on Sunday.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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