Urination vehicles have not been seen in Manchester since the 1950s. In those days it was the rarity of toilets that meant many locals were happy to literally "spend a penny" to take a pee in one.
Yet now, with coronavirus ravaging parts of the North, the so-called "piss vans" have returned. This time, the cause is not a lack of plumbing, but a shortage of urine. Piss factories across the UK have been forced to close, as valued urinators are literally pissing away their fortune down the toilet, and flushing it away.
Britain's urine industry is the second largest in the world (after Uruguay) and Boris Johnson plans to make it the centrepiece of post-Brexit exports.
"Countries like China and the USA are crying out for our wizz," said the clown PM. "It is well known for its aroma and pungency, and as part of our new trade deals we are making throughout the world, we will be exporting more of it than ever. It will help pay for all the cheap booze we drink."
British piss is often seen as being cheap and poor quality. By contrast, French urine is marketed as a high-end product called L'eau D'oeuf, and by law to receive its coveted name it is only allowed to be collected from females between the ages of 17 and 21.
However, this summer the French industry has completely stopped, and British piss vans are taking up the strain. Throughout the UK, streaming services are flourishing during the coronavirus lockdown.
"I've been furrowed from my job," said one tipsy Mancunian. "So I just spend all day at home drinking beer, then I hold it in until 4 o'clock when the piss van comes. They've started collecting twice a day now, and I'm producing about two barrels a week. That pays for a couple of extra beers at the weekend. It's nature's water cycle."
Geoff Meatus drives one of the vans. "People think we're taking the piss. Haha! That's an old joke. No, but really, it's a good job. Our economy will be booming soon. This is trickle-down-your-leg economics."
