Creative Free-Thinker Movie Certain To Be Hit

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Tuesday, 28 July 2020

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He rarely listens to advice, as he only has one ear

A Hollywood movie about a creative, free-thinking writer and comedian is set to wow audiences when it's released into cinemas early next year, and it's already been vaunted as a possible Oscar nominee.

The film is called 'I'm Different!', and cost only £50 to make.

The subject of the title is little-known penman, Vincent Vaughan Gough, originally from Greater Manchester, but now living under a canal bridge in Amsterdam.

Gough is a radical non-conforming nonconformist - he doesn't even conform with other nonconformists. Indeed, he is so utterly antinonconformist, he refuses to acknowledge nonconformism as a description, preferring, instead, to call himself a 'nutter'.

Having only one ear, he finds it impossible to listen to advice.

The action follows Gough around Manchester during a visit to his early-life haunts, as he researches material for his latest literary offering, provisionally entitled 'I Am A Nutter!!!"

The opening sequence has him at a bus stop, when an old lady approaches.

Old lady: Good morning!

Gough: What the fuck's good about it? I'm a free-thinker, I don't think like you. Your ways are alien to me. To me, this is just a morning like any other, apart from the fact that today's a bit of a nutter!

Old lady: Oh, gosh! I'm sorry, young man.

Gough: Young? Who said I'm young? That's your fucking interpretation, you old bag! Fucking hell.

He walks off.

Now in the city centre, he goes into his bank to withdraw some cash. There's a queue. He ignores it, and walks to the front, before being told by a bank employee he must wait his turn, like everybody else.

Gough: I'm not like 'everybody else'! I'm a creative free-thinker! Queues aren't everybody's cup of tea, you know! To me, queues are just lines of gullible, subservient people, blindly doing the government's bidding, and showing slavish political obedience!

Bank employee: Thank you, sir. That's right. Just at the back there. Thanks.

Eventually, he reaches the front of the queue, slings his tatty, old bank book under the lady bank teller's window, and growls that he wants to withdraw £10.

Bank teller: You'll have to fill in a withdrawal slip, sir.

Gough: Eh? Withdrawl slip? I ain't filling in no fucking withdrawal slip! I'm a creative free-thinker, and I don't do like everybody else does! Your ways are alien to me, and my ways are alien to you. We'll never, ever see eye to eye, me and you. I'm a nutter!

Bank teller: Next, please!

Gough goes outside, and, fishing around in his dirty, old overcoat inside pocket, finds a half-finished bottle of whisky. He unscrews the cap, downs the lot in one mad gulp, and lobs the empty bottle in a fountain. He burps, long and hard, and then staggers around Market Street, staring boggle-eyed at shoppers, grumbling to himself, repeatedly treading in dogshit, and ends up at Manchester Central Library, in St. Peter's Square. He goes in.

The ghost of Mark E. Smith is there, sitting in the Reading Room, scanning the previous evening's Manchester Evening News.

Gough walks up to the Information Desk.

Gough: I wanna lenda book!

Librarian: Do you mean you want to 'borrow' a book, sir? Do you have a library card?

Gough: For fuck's sake! I'm a creative free-thinker! I'm not like other people! Library card? I don't have a library card! Library cards are for losers who follow rules, who don't question authority, who just do everything they're told to do with blind obedience. Not me, love! I'm different! I'm a nutter!

Gough spots Smith.

Gough: Eyup, Mark! I thought you were dead! 'How I wrote elastic man, how I wrote elastic man, how I wrote elas-tic man, how I wrote e-las-tic maaaaaaaaaaaan'!

MES: Ey, you, horror face! This is a fucking library, not a pub, and I wrote 'How I Wrote Elastic Man', so fuck off, y'weasel-faced hobgoblin cunt!

The movie's director, Arthur Crank, said Gough was one of a small group of artists and free-thinkers that are unique, adding:

"He's much misunderstood. Nobody I know can understand him. I don't understand him, his wife doesn't understand him; he doesn't even understand himself. He's ununderstandable! And a nutter!"

The movie is set for release on 1 April, next year.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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