The Duke of Umbridge

Funny story written by Backandtotheleft

Sunday, 19 July 2020

image for The Duke of Umbridge
In nature, no one can hear if you fart

Prince William has said “we must crack homelessness,” as he launched a new drive aimed at reducing homelessness today. We at Back and to the Left news believe that we saw how to solve homelessness by doing what the Government did during lockdown, and giving the homeless homes. However, let’s just get another Royal-backed campaign designed to pull at your heart strings, and make you, the minimum wage-earner, donate to his cause. Maybe the Royal family could sell a couple of palaces and fund the whole thing themselves...

EDITOR: We’ve told you. If you don’t report news unbiasedly, your team will be removed from this site. You have been warned!

The Duke of Cambridge said:

"I believe that the numbers of homeless vagabonds patrolling our streets can be reduced with a simple crack of the whip. If we made homelessness illegal, and brought back the death penalty, we could hang these miscreants from London Bridge tomorrow..."

EDITOR: You’ve made this up. We’ve spoken before about you just pulling quotes out of thin air to further your agenda. DO YOUR JOB PROPERLY

BATTL: Look, it’s all fucking nonsense. They could stop homelessness if they wanted to. Why the fuck should we report these lovely “puff pieces” to inflate the ego of these wankers who just pay lip service to a problem and don’t actually sort the fucking thing out?

EDITOR: Just tell the truth.

BATTL: What is the truth? The truth is a family of paedo-concealing parasites holding enough wealth in one of their wall safes to end homelessness. These people don’t need this toothy cunt listening to their problems. Sell a painting and fund a fucking hostel.

EDITOR: Just the facts.

The Duke of Cambridge went onto say:

"I think we could reduce the numbers by allowing the homeless access to Royal grounds where I could pursue them on horseback..."

EDITOR: In no reality did the Duke of Cambridge give this interview to you.

He carried on with:

"I often hope my public appearances with my lovely wife will distract people from the fact that my family have closed ranks, and are protecting a probable nonce. I know the evidence against Andrew looks very damning, but I’d like to pretend I care about homelessness for a while, to take your mind off things..."

EDITOR: This never happened.

BATTL: You never happened!

EDITOR: That doesn’t make any sense!

BATTL: Neither does having so many people sleeping on the fucking streets when we're such a wealthy country! These fuckers are in a position to actually do something, but, as usual, they “raise awareness”. Fuck that, we're all aware. I have to tell five rough sleepers a day that I don’t have any spare cash for them, I share my two-sandwich lunch with a guy three days a godammed week. WE ARE AWARE. Sell a palace!

EDITOR: I think you need to take a break.

BATTL: A break from being right?

EDITOR: Get out of my office.

BATTL: I’m not in your office, you’re in my head. This is fictional conversation that we’ve used to create a different way for a story to flow. So goodbye.

EDITOR: What? Nooooooooo!

EDITOR slowly fades out of existence.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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