Sacred Gifts for the Homeless

Written by T. Loaf

Wednesday, 1 April 2020

image for Sacred Gifts for the Homeless
Was it something I said...?

With the corona lockdown, curfews and general ruling of not being allowed to do anything or go anywhere, Church attendance figures have nosedived even further. In fact, the current average across British chapels and temples is nil. This worrying development has inspired clergy to take to the streets, sweeping across the nation in their colourful robes and vestments, catering to the homeless.

Priests are giving away sacred items to those in need everywhere. For example, crosiers have been distributed en masse. These staffs, normally held by Bishops and Pentecostal prelates, are about 2 metres long, and ensure perfect distance to the next hobo.

Sustenance is also provided in the form of Eucharist wafers no longer required, and which may soon reach their best-before date.
"It's a nice thought," confirmed John S., who has been on the road for almost 20 years now. "But they're a bit dull. I put Marmite on mine. My mate, Fred, can't eat 'em 'cos they're not gluten-free. I'm not blaming the vicar, but, I mean, they must have some gluten-free stuff somewhere. Swanson wafers are best, there's salt in 'em."

Holy men could be seen swinging their thuribles, filled with disinfectant instead of incense, and handing out endless pew cushion kneelers.

"They're pretty wreckless with them chain censers, come really close, I'd never touched a priest's thurible before..." smiled Alice F.

Some parishes have offered their churches as refuge for the homeless, but most creep out at night saying it is colder inside than out.

"And then there were 40 tucked into the vestry. Not a pretty sight, and not a pleasant smell, either," explained Philip N.

"They read to us, too," said Harriet L. "That Book of Revelation, well, absolute horror story. Gruesome. The Shining and Rosemary's Baby are tame in comparison. He wrote some good stuff, did God. Respect! Mind you, the dear old clerics are a bit weird. They left me a silver-tone foot washin' basin. I mean, thanks, but no, thanks. And the times I've been blessed these past few days. Christ alive! Still waiting for 'em to come with the wine..."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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