Local billionaire and enthusiastic paper aeroplane make, Harold Diggleby-brough, has laid the gauntlet down to the people of his local village. Mr Diggleby-brough believes that the people of Silsby Tweed are amongst the ugliest in the country, and wants to improve the aesthetic of the area with mass plastic surgery.
Mr Diggleby-brough said:
"I was brought up in the area, and, over the years, the quality of people’s faces has gone down. I want to change things around here, and make things nicer to look at. Some people may think that I’m being “unreasonable” or “rude” when I say that people should either have extensive plastic surgery or move out to a different area where their grossly deformed features can blend in. Like Northampton, perhaps. I’m not stupid, I’m willing to put my money where my mouth is, and am willing to pay for everyone to have the surgery."
Local residents are said to be furious with Mr Diggleby-brough, with a number of them saying, “oh that wanker” when we approached them for a comment. One person who isn’t supporting the drive for change, is local publican, Tim Timoson, owner of the establishment “The Bees Balls”, which is named after honey bees bollocks. We thought there would have been a clever story here, but no, it is just named after bee’s bollocks, which we're not even that sure actually exist. Bees bollocks, not the bees themselves.
"Look, I know the people round here aren’t the best looking mob going, but that’s where I come in. For years, this boozer has been filled with people trying to get drunk enough so the lazy eye on their spouse looks attractive. If you ship out all the ugly people or “fix” them, then who’s going to drink? People looking to socialise? Give me a break!"
Garage owner, Gary Gale, said he was on board with Diggleby-brough’s idea, and would be going in for plastic surgery as soon as the cheque clears.
"I look like a dog’s dinner, and most of the totty round here don’t look much better, so I’m game for someone giving me a butt lift or an elbow tuck."
Many though are obviously outraged at the idea of having to change their appearance to fit in with a new type of aesthetic. But as Mr Diggleby-brough says:
"If you don’t like it, you can fuck off elsewhere."