Conker Season Can't Come Soon Enough For Hull Man

Written by Monkey Woods

Thursday, 2 April 2020

image for Conker Season Can't Come Soon Enough For Hull Man
What kind of oxygen thief needs conkers explaining to them?

It may only be April, but one man in East Yorkshire is already looking forward to the autumn and all it brings, and has been busy preparing for, what he claims is, the most exciting time of the year - Conker Season!

Conkers, the 19th century's answer to Battling Tops, is a popular schoolboy game, in which a horse chestnut seed is pierced and suspended on a piece of string, and another boy with a similar device, tries his damnedest to smash the living shit out of it.

The conker that survives this battle longest is, not surprisingly, the winner.

Myke Woodson, from Hull, has not been wasting his time during the Coronavirus lockdown, lightly baking several conkers, and then soaking them in vinegar for three days and three nights, in a move that is almost certain to give him an advantage on the playground.

The 56-year-old said:

"Yes, it's unfortunate that we are living in dangerous times, and people are dropping like flies, but I want to be sure that, when all of this is over, and the Conker Season gets into full swing in late September or early October, that I have got my preparation just right."

Woodson wanted to stress that no conkers had been hurt during the writing of this story.

EDITOR'S NOTE:: Although, up above, Conkers was described as the 19th century's answer to Battling Tops, this was, in fact, an innaccurate claim. Battling Tops was not created until the 1970s, and Conkers, therefore, predated Battling Tops by some 150 years, meaning, if anyone is still reading this tripe, that Battling Tops is the 20th century's answer to Conkers, rather than the other way round. TheSpoof.com wishes to apologise for any inconvenience or misunderstanding caused.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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