Olympics Postponement Has Messed Up Drug Cheats' Careful Planning

Funny story written by Moys Kenwood

Wednesday, 1 April 2020

image for Olympics Postponement Has Messed Up Drug Cheats' Careful Planning
Medical advisors will have to be consulted as to what to do next

The news, yesterday, that this summer's Olympic Games in Tokyo have been postponed for one year, until July 2021, is a massive body blow to athletes who have thought long and hard about their use of performance-enhancing drugs to get the best out of their bodies, and to avoid being detected by the sporting authorities.

Some athletes, in all sports, don't bother with drugs, and rely upon getting their physiques in tip-top shape, but a far greater number now employ expert medical advice on how to take steroids to make them run faster, lift more, jump further, or swim fishier.

Their drug-taking regimes need years of careful planning, and this postponement has now rendered all of that meticulous planning a complete waste of time, effort, and, most importantly, money.

One athlete who was interested in enhancing his performance, was Dave Narko, Great Britain's main hope in the 400 metres. He said:

"I've put a lot of time into getting my doses right, so that there won't be any trace of banned substances in my blood stream when I get tested."

Dave's strict day-to-day monitoring of the drug levels in his blood has now been all to no avail.

Another athlete who was hoping to gain an unfair advantage over non-cheating competitors, was American weightlifter, Sandra Conner. She said:

"That's frustrating. Just when I've pumped my body up as far as it will possibly go, we get this crushing news. All those substances and hard work gone to waste!"

And Australian cyclist, Brett Crackpipe, moaned:

"Cheating is a serious science, and I feel let down. Next year will be too late for me. I'd put everything into swindling my way into the gold medal position this July, and next year will be too soon for the 2-year-cycle banned medications to take effect in time."

A spokesman for the Coronavirus said that the Olympics are unlikely to take place in 2021, either.

Or 2022.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more