With Brexit done, Parliament has turned its attention to central questions of British life. Boris Johnson's Facial Hair Bill, however, has been given a short back and sides at the Committee Stage by the House of Lords.
"Incomprehensible," moped the PM. "I want it, so, logically speaking, I must have it. Facial hair will become obligatory. I have begun to grow a horseshoe moustache myself, which is useful because all the milk and biscuit crumbs simply drip off the chin to the ground. Other types, for example, the handlebar, hold back all you eat and drink. Disgusting! But the main thing is, it's facial hair and that's what men over 18 will be forced to display when the Bill becomes an Act of Parliament, very important indeed!"
The Lords removed specific words, such as shaggy, hirsute and stubbly, from the Bill 'to lend more room for diversity' within the text.
Some Commons colleagues were sceptical. Jacob Rees-Mogg, still shaven and washed each morning by his nanny, questioned the wisdom of the Bill, but agreed to try a stubble with a chinstrap.
"I'm not convinced it will gain Royal Assent," whined Jacob. "Her Majesty is not keen on hairy faces. Caused great squabbles between Harry and herself. But maybe it's a positive step, and democracy must be upheld!"
He, himself, has introduced a Bill to have chaise longues brought into the Chamber to replace the uncomfortable backbenches. The Opposition, however, say they will need time to agree on a suitable shade of green, and have called for a Select Committee to be set up to deal with the matter. The Chancellor, Sajid Javid, has also drafted a BIll re-introducing the sixpence and farthing. "We must respect our past," said Javid, who strongly favours closer economic relations with the Kashmir region. "I've always felt India was overrated," he commented. "Just like the Israel-Palestine conflict can be decided in Washington, so should the Kashmir problem be solved here in my constituency, Bromsgrove. We are working flat out on a Bromsgrove Treaty. It's so wonderful not to have to deal with this Brexit nonsense any more...There are so many other things to be done!!"