Prince Andrew, the Duke of York, has complained to his mummy that his bum-bum is itching, and that he would like her to put some cream on it.
But, say experts, the irritation is not something that can be resolved by rubbing cream on it, however furiously.
Instead, he should pray really hard before he goes to bed, that he never, ever, EVER met Jeffrey Epstein, and hope that, when he wakes up, all of the past twenty years has been a quite frightful dream.
According to the FBI, who are investigating the Jeffrey Epstein case, the prince has provided "zero co-operation".
In numerical terms, this is less than 'one co-operation'.
Advised by his legal team, Andrew has chosen to exercise his majesterial immunity, and say nothing.
Whilst bathing in this 'royal silence', though, Andrew must have been thinking hard about the case, and has started to 'psychologically disintegrate'. He has rashes; he can't sleep well; he sweats profusely, and has underarm problems; he is agitated and nervous; he has no appetite, and, of course, there is his sphincter.
Speaking in a car-crash way again, tonight, he said:
"Before I couldn't sweat, but now, I sweat a lot. My botty itches, and I can't stop scratching it. It's all because of that girl I never met, and the nasty things she's been saying about me!"