The Queen Reveals Liking For Throbbing Gristle

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Tuesday, 21 January 2020

image for The Queen Reveals Liking For Throbbing Gristle
COUM Transmissions, with Ray Harvey, second from left

In the unlikeliest of associations imaginable, Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, has revealed that she is a fan of industrial music pioneers, Throbbing Gristle.

TG, formed in Hull in 1975 from the remnants of COUM Transmissions, stunned audiences with their experimental performance art which often involved nudity, pornography, live sex, and bodily fluids, but this didn't faze the Queen.

According to Buckingham Palace sources, the sound of TG can regularly be heard reverberating through the halls of the vast residence. One official said:

"I don't know how many times I've had to listen to 'Hamburger Lady' and 'Slug Bait', but she never seems to tire of it!"

The Queen was quite open about her liking for the band who, in the 1970s, were said to be "the wreckers of civilisation". She said:

"Many people will think I'm an old fuddy-duddy, but my royal fingers are well-and-truly 'on the pulse'. For those who think Mantovani or marching brass bands are my thing, you've got another think coming!"

The Queen's favourite TG track is thought to be 'Very Friendly' from the bootleg 'The First Annual Report Of Throbbing Gristle', a ballad about the Moors Murderers, Ian Brady and Myra Hindley, and about how Brady killed Edward Evans with an axe.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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