Northerners converting to Tory in record numberss

Wednesday, 18 December 2019

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This abandoned factory now hosts parties where dozens of Northerners take turns bathing in cava and fucking dead pigs

Burnley has long been the home of flat caps, whippets, ferrets down trousers, and miserable Northerners moaning about them queers down in London. However, during the recent general election, Burnley turned an ostentatious blue, and its residents are embracing their new Tory lifestyle.

"Eee," said elderly resident Geoff Grimm, a lifelong Labour voter, but no longer. "I used to work down a mine, but now I realise that Thatcher and her hard-nosed anti-union attitude is just the heartless medicine we all need. No more handouts to the poor and needy, let the disabled starve, and never mind educating kids unless their parents are rich enough to afford to send them to a posh school. It's all about saving money."

Grimm's neighbour Jeraldetta Chuff was equally enthused about Boris Johnson. "He's going to deliver Brexit. Tomorrow, or maybe the day after. Whenever he promised. I have a short memory, so it's difficult for me to check up on politicians and their promises. But I'm sure Boris won't let us down. I can't remember him ever lying before."

Local pie-shop owner Jeb Crust has taken his new-found Conservatism to extremes. "I've started fox-hunting, and spitting on the poor. I even employed a Polish cleaner just so I can make racist comments about her behind her back. It's like being back in the good old days - the 1970s. Except, this time, I'm not on the side of the poor union losers, I'm a fat capitalist pig - just like the ones I have sex with before I put them in me pies."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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