Full General Election Results To Be Withheld Until Tampering Process Has Been Completed

Written by Monkey Woods

Friday, 13 December 2019

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Thanks for voting Tory. Dance when we tell you to dance

The results of the General Election are in, it's been reported, but they will not be made freely available to the general public until after the complex 'adjustment process' has been completed, probably later today.

Unofficial sources have speculated that the Conservative Party received just under 47% of the total votes, with Labour on 46%. When translated into seats, this left Labour on 231, with the Tories narrowly behind on 228.

But the government have learned from the way other less-developed nations, such as Zimbabwe and Algeria, have dealt with 'election anomalies' that were not entirely to their taste.

A Tory spokesman said:

"We have to recount the voting slips in a number of constituencies where the voting was close. We have to be sure. If we find that Labour won in that constituency, some 'soft manipulation' techniques might be employed, in order to 'put things right'. It might also be pertinent to misplace some of the voting slips, if you know what I mean."

But one man said:

"What a stroke of genius by the Conservatives! Give the 'snivelling plebeians' what they want with regard to Brexit, and 'take back control' from Europe. It has to be remembered, however, that, now the control has been wrested back from Europe, it doesn't mean anything else other than that the control has now fallen straight into the laps of the Conservatives - and, by extension, their laughing puppetmasters."

Interesting times ahead.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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