Nigel Farage Pledges Brexit Party Will Return Britain To Its Former Glories

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Saturday, 23 November 2019

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Please, Mr Farage, make Britain great again

Brexit Party leader, Nigel Farage, has said that, if his party are successful and are elected to power in the December General Election, he will personally do his utmost to attempt to restore Britain to its former glorious past.

Farage said that the election was not a foregone conclusion, however, and that voters should not take a Brexit Party victory for granted.

Top of Farage's list for retro-Britain is immigration.

"I'm regularly accused of being a racist," he said. "But that's twaddle. I merely want what's best for Britain, and if that means slavery, then that's what it will have to be."

Under the BP, he said, all non-British visitors living 'temporarily' in Britain must leave.

All non-whites, whether born in Britain or not, will revert back to their ancestors' slave status.

With regard to crime, he outlined much sterner punishments for criminals.

"Rehabilitation from crime will adopt a medieval flavour," he said. "Hanging, drawing, quartering, being dragged behind a horse, heads on pikes, that kind of thing. The stocks - for petty stuff - will provide Sunday afternoon entertainment."

Housing, also, needs a boost, and Farage spoke about a huge building programme to accommodate all residents of the nation in homes that would be, at the very least, up to the standards enjoyed by those in the 1800s.

On the topic of work, Farage promised to create enough work to reduce the unemployment rate to zero within five years, with the reintroduction of the Workhouse. The minimum age for employment would immediately be lowered from 16 to 6, and the ban on chimney-sweeping would be lifted.

Schools, apart from those patronised by the families of the Rich, would be abolished.

Farage also said that decimalisation was something that had always stuck in his throat, and hinted at a return to 'old money', and a re-introduction of the farthing, florin, shilling and half-crown.

"Imagine being able to buy something for thru'pence-ha'penny again!" he enthused.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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