Britain faces a Christmas election

Friday, 1 November 2019

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Christmas voting for turkeys

Normally it is an occasion associated with excessive consumerism, fat-bellied bearded men giving gifts, and a drunken day off work. But this year, the election will fall at Christmastime, meaning that it will be even more garish and vomit-inducing than normal.

It is Britain's first Christmas election in nearly a century, and we are sure to find out why very soon. Polling booths are being decorated with reindeer and fake snow, while preparing to blare out Christmas music to attract the feckless crowds.

Politicians are warming to the idea, as can be seen in their election campaigns. One of Labour's new posters features Jeremy Corbyn being crucified by the media, with the slogan "Our Lord and Saviour, JC". In another poster, Diane Abbott dresses up as a manger.

Corbyn has never claimed to be the messiah, but his fans disagree. At a recent Labour conference in an attempt to smooth over the anti-semitism row, he declared himself "King of the Jews", which may come back to haunt him.

Boris Johnson has the opposite problem, in that he is as unmessianic a figure as can be imagined, and has personally broken every one of the Ten Commandments. To promote the Conversatives' Christmas message, Boris is being cast as a repentant Scrooge dishing out cheap presents of tat to the masses. The Tories' campaign slogan is "We remember the scum at Christmas. A free sock for everyone." An inspiring message.

Nigel Farage takes his Christmas message direct from King Herod. His Brexit Party's new policy is to slaughter the firstborn of any immigrant. A spokesman said, "We must prevent a future messiah from forcing us to rejoin the EU. Our high priests predict he will be born in a food bank to foreigners this year. Killing him off will make Christmas magical again."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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