Tories are queuing up to support their leader, Boris Johnson, after his claim that flooding currently hitting the north of England is a direct result of EU membership.
"It's simple," explained Johnson. "After 31 January, winds will be redirected around our islands, which will affect water flows. Rivers will be calmer, fish happier and waterways in general less volatile. No more burst banks. Trade winds will blow to our benefit. We'll have proper winters, summers, autumns and springs. Also, no more of this non-sensical putting the clock back and fowards by an hour. That only confuses cattle and makes our hens depressed, which, of course, affects eggs."
Meteorologists were sceptical of the claims. "Winds and gusts tend to do what they want. And rivers are seldom subservient to politicians," said BBC weather expert, Matt Taylor. "We have, indeed, been requested by government staff to reintroduce isobars onto weather charts after Brexit, and to 'place these favourably'. It may be OK on paper, but in real life..well..there are no isobars out there...."
At a meeting of Brexitmongers in Plymouth, the Prime Minister spoke of the advantages it would have for farm animals. "Hens will be chirpier, pigs' trotters juicier, cows will yield more milk, just as soon as we get it done.. my friends. The weather will be better, songbirds will warble in tune, the grass will be greener and conkers harder. I, for one, can't wait."
The tragedy slowly unfolds....
