THE WIRED STREET URINAL
Reporter: KR Schwartz
August 30th 2019
This morning, Scotland’s first Minister Nicola Sturgeon announced the unprecedented action of nationalizing U.S. President Donald Trump's two golf courses in Scotland, Aberdeen & Turnberry.
The Right Honourable Minister told a stunned audience of reporters her actions were intended to serve both Scots and Trump. When this reporter asked how Trump would benefit from her action, the first Minister replied, "Mr. Trump has reported massive annual losses on these two golf courses to the Scottish Taxation Authority since the day he acquired them with other people’s money, so to obviate having to declare bankruptcy once again, now on this side of the pond, we have decided to relieve him of two more financial indignities or at least what most people would find embarrassing. We have conferred with various organizations and have decided to honour Mr. Trump by making both golf courses nature preserves for lemmings and quislings, although quislings have recently been removed from the CITES endangered species registry."
As bonuses, Scotland will deed Foula Isle to Trump; "It just seemed appropriate with the main village on the spit of land called Ham. The wee crag of land is also closer to Norway than Scotland facilitating receipt of political opposition research expressly welcomed by Trump. I have also designated Sir Billy Connolly the official Lord of Foula Isle," Sturgeon told reporters. The tiny island is also known for the enormous volume of accumulated sea bird excrement, which somehow seems appropriate, to this reporter, given the amount of shite emanating from Trump's orifice in the past two-and-a-half years. "It may not be Greenland, but it also has not cost Trump or the American taxpayers a single farthing," Scotland's Taxation Czar William Wallace IX, explained. Scotland will also provide Trump and his (3rd) family free gate passes for life to the former golf clubs, now bird sanctuaries. We cannot be expected to provide passes gratis to all his declared and undeclared family members. He has had more wives than Brigham Young, and only Michael Cohen knows how many illegitimate children. Aberdeen will henceforth be known as Bedlam Green and Turnberry will be named Prevarication Park."
Following the conclusion of her press conference, the first Minister was given a rousing standing ovation from all present. When notified of Scotland’s actions, President Trump fumed and told reporters his trusted military advisor, General Buck Turgidson vociferously proclaimed it an act of war, and he could have a full and overwhelming retaliatory military response ready in ten minutes. Trump was then overheard whispering, “where’s my soccer ball?”