ITVBe Announces Improved Intellectual Content With Updated "Real Housewives" Franchise

Written by Paxton Quigley

Monday, 8 July 2019

image for ITVBe Announces Improved Intellectual Content With Updated "Real Housewives" Franchise
"and I said to Boris, I am not having that wrinkly little thing inside my body until you've had an enlargement"

In a bid to improve its falling ratings, ITV's flagship channel ITVBe, the "reality" based station for those with nothing better to do, like watching paint dry or doing the ironing, has announced that it is adding to the controversial and intellectual content of its programming in order to attract new viewers. A typical day's programming has been revealed to The Spoof.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Discuss Nietzschean Philosophy
The adventures of a gaggle of layabout silicon-enhanced attention-seeking women with nothing better to do than attend parties and argue among themselves about who has the biggest tits, the best nails, the best wigs or the husband with the biggest cock. The season's finale features a gay lickspittle who feigns interest in their opinions as he attempts to engage them in discussion of Friedrich Nietzsche's statement "To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering."

The Real Housewives of Beverley Hills Meet Boris Johnson
The adventures of a gaggle of layabout silicon-enhanced attention-seeking women with nothing better to do than attend parties and argue among themselves about who has the biggest tits, the best nails, the best wigs or the husband with the biggest cock. Future prime minister and serial shagmeister BoJo is introduced to the "ladies" and impresses them with his knowledge of the classics as he tries to woo them by reciting the sexually explicit Roman poetry of Catullus (84 – 54 BCE). Unfortunately, the Bullingdon buffoon's efforts are wasted, as none of the women has the least knowledge of Latin.

The Real Housewives of Sydney Get a Job
The adventures of a gaggle of layabout silicon-enhanced attention-seeking women with nothing better to do than attend barbies and argue among themselves about who has the biggest tits, the best nails, the best wigs or the husband with the biggest cock. You all thought that they were unemployable, but they prove otherwise as Sharlene gets a job counting chicken nuggets in her local McDonalds and Kylie gets a job as a waitress in a topless bar where her implants instantly make her the top earner.

The Real Housewives of Balham Visit a Food Bank Up North
The adventures of a gaggle of layabout silicon-enhanced attention-seeking women with nothing better to do than attend parties and argue among themselves about who has the biggest tits, the best nails, the best wigs or the husband with the biggest cock. The wives are astonished to discover that life is a not "all wine and roses", nor, indeed, is it all champagne and caviar, as they visit a food bank in Grimsby, the bastion of Brexit. Kaneisha is overwhelmed when confronted by a 13-year-old ragamuffin scraping a living selling fish heads to starving locals at a knock down price in a precursor of a no deal Britain, while Savannah is amazed to find people eating cold tins of spaghetti and baked beans, as they cannot afford to feed their electricity and gas meters. Lucretia says it all when she opines "let them eat cake".

The Real Housewives of Atlanta Join Isis
The adventures of a gaggle of layabout silicon-enhanced attention-seeking women with nothing better to do than attend parties and argue among themselves about who has the biggest tits, the best nails, the best wigs or the husband with the biggest cock. In this controversial new series, the housewives go rogue and smuggle themselves into Iraq to join so-called Islamic State or Daesh, as it is better called. Watch out as Kenya has a nervous breakdown after being forced into marriage with a sweaty black-clad fighter who insists his dinner is on the table and his uniform is cleaned and pressed before he asserts his marital rights on a nightly basis in a vain attempt to impregnate her. See also how Porsha is loaned out between the front-line troops for R&R purposes on short term marriage contracts, and how she is told in a ghostly visitation from the late leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi that having sex in a shell hole with a suicide squad "is the will of Allah".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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