Thanksgiving was "Native Americans being sarcastic"

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Saturday, 3 November 2018

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Not another Thanksgiving/sarcasm theory

Historians have long believed that Thanksgiving was either a genuine attempt to smooth over relations between early US settlers and the native Americans; or else a lie told by the settlers after they had massacred them all.

However, Professor of History at the University of America, Geoff History, has uncovered new evidence which suggests a different theory. He explained, "We think that something unusual happened in November of 1618. This was after a lot of land had been seized by the settlers, and many of the natives were beginning to succumb to new diseases that they introduced, but the two groups were still on speaking terms. A tribal chief called Really made a speech at a dinner that month, on what we believe is the first ever Thanksgiving recorded."

In the speech, the chief said, "We are so grateful for you foreigners for coming to our land and giving us these pieces of turkey. It's, like, so generous of you, after you took all our own turkeys, really nice of you to give us some back." Although it is often hard to detect sarcasm in written text, in this speech it is clearly there.

Professor History also discovered a diary written by one of the settlers who attended the speech, who wrote that he thought chief Really was being sarcastic, providing a secondary source of evidence for his theory. The settlers planned to return the favour by baking a pie and throwing it in the chief's face on the next Thanksgiving, but he died under mysterious circumstances during the year, from a suspected brain haemhorrage. This is a common cause of death from people who use too much sarcasm.

So there it is. I really hope you have a fantastic Thanksgiving now, really!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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