Teresa May on Brexit "To be perfectly honest, none of us fully understand what it is."

Written by D.K. Trumbo

Wednesday, 7 November 2018

UK Prime Minister Teresa May has stated today, in an interview with Channel 4, that neither she nor any other parliament members in her office truly understand the inner workings of Brexit. In the candid interview with Channel 4's Mijabus Shaymfel, the Prime Minister can be seen to let her guard down when she is complimented on her ability to use the same five responses for any question an interviewer may ask, and when asked about the progress being made with the ongoing Brexit talks, May can be seen closing her eyes and shrugging her shoulders. When asked to clarify what she means by the gesture, the Prime minister says "Listen, I'm not even sure what Brexit means. Was that a word before this whole thing started? Either way, I don't know much about it. People tell me to say things, and I say them, and, to be quite frank, we're all trying our best to put it all off for as long as possible."

Shaymfel then asks, when he can find a break in May's laughter, "Prime Minister, can't you see how admitting this so openly may be quite alarming to the general public, given that they've put their trust in you to carry them through this uncertain time?", and then, through stifled laughter, the Prime Minister can be heard asking "Why? Why have people put their faith in me? Has no one watched any of my interviews? I watch them back sometimes, and cringe at how apparent it is that I neither know nor care anything about any of the things I say. This country does baffle me sometimes."

Shaymfel then retorts, seemingly confused, "If you don't mind my saying so, Prime Minister, these kinds of statements and admissions are likely to turn into terrible publicity for you and your party. Do you not understand how this could be construed very negatively by your public?" to which May replies "No, no, no. I've already been paid, and I don't think they can take it off me now so it doesn't matter much to me anymore. Not that it ever did but I don't have to pretend anymore. I've been listening to poor people crying at me for years now, and I'm just over here like 'waaa waaa, here, use this 100 pound note to wipe your filthy nose, you tramp.'" May then seems to ponder on this for a second with a smile, then she looks back to the interviewer and asks "Wait, sorry, what was the question again?"

The interview ends here with Shaymfel looking rather lost for words, and with the country's current Prime Minister looking equally bemused, presumably about her long-running and inexplicable membership in the UK Parliament.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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