Written by Paxton Quigley

Thursday, 15 November 2018

image for Wetherspoons Share Price Tumbles as Balham Pub Closes. Brexit "Not to Blame"
"Where am I going to get my cheap Gnatzpisz Pils now?"

Trading in shares of old gits' pub chain JD Wetherspoons was suspended today after their value crashed on news that one of its flagship pubs The Moon Under Water in the London borough of Balham had been closed without notice.

Although it was named after George Orwell's dream pub, The Moon Under Water was known as a refuge for inebriated pensioners and ne'er do wells where they could pass the day quaffing cheap pints of Mullet's Rat Arse, Old Dogfarter, Stellar Fartois and, a particular favourite, Gnatzpisz Pils. Political discourse in this haven of tranquillity was of course robust, ill informed and on occasion mildly racist.

One mystified former customer was found standing on Balham High Road, outside the darkened pub, shaking his head disconsolately. Mr. Paxton Quigley spoke to The Spoof on condition of anonymity:

"I've had some good times in here and I'll miss it terribly. I've been threatened by some psychopathic bugger in a Celtic shirt and been involved in an argument with a Northern Irish racist who insisted on using the 'N word', but I have witnessed just the one fight. There was also the time when on hearing our conversation about microbiology and virology, some bloke in a Chelsea shirt accused my mate Dr Julian of being a boffin, which to be fair he is, but that's not the point. It did make me laugh."

JD Wetherspoon’s weirdo chairman Tim Martin, Brexit cheerleader and the last living proponent of the mullet, hairstyle of the gods explained the decision:

"Although leaving the European Union is the best decision for our country, Brexit is not to blame for reducing our ability to recruit low paid staff from places like Poland and Croatia. In view of this we are consolidating our trade by concentrating on our branches in Putney and Wimbledon where we have a wealthier clientele and a better class of old git."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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