Written by Backandtotheleft

Monday, 28 May 2018


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The police watchdog announced on Tuesday “Woof, woof, woof.” No, not really, we just thought we’d open with a joke because the world is such a terrible place full of shit and hate right now. Stark, but true.

A police watchdog has actually said: "Humberside police force has significantly improved."

In the context of Humberside police force, it probably means that 12% of their officers are now able to put their shoes on the correct feet.

Humberside police force was the only police force in England and Wales to be rated as “inadequate” and it only received such a high rating because people don’t like seeing swear words on official reports.

A report published in 2016 stated: "Humberside police force has a limited understanding of the current and future demand for it’s services."

If you apply that statement to a surgeon you get a bloke who not only doesn’t turn up to theatre but is likely to remove your leg if operating on eye cancer.

Humberside police appear not only corrupt they, at times, they have seemed wilfully stupid to us. We once witnessed a officer inform a member of the public that they wouldn’t be recording the theft of their bike as a crime because: "There’s not much point, it’s only a bike."

A rather scruffy looking man I spoke to at Hull bus station, who informed me, while vigorously rubbing his gums, was Humberside Police Chief Constable said:

"Well we’re surprised really because our overall shrug your shoulders attitude to crime hasn’t really changed but hey a wins a win right? It’s not that difficult to improve when you’re at the bottom anyway.

"A lot of the extra points we scored this year were for things we missed out on last.

"Simple things like spelling “Humberside” correctly and letting people out of cells when were supposed to.

"It’s just small steps but I think the fact we’re no longer allowing officers to pick and choose which crimes they investigate is a really good thing.

"We are also now well aware how unacceptable it is to pursue inappropriate sexual relationships with vulnerable women who have been affected by crime."

Stirring. Pointless. Words

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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