Written by Backandtotheleft

Friday, 5 October 2018

*Warning May Contain Strong Language*

Smug Tory fuck bag, Phillip Hammond, has admitted he’s preparing a “emergency budget” if Theresa May lives up to her early promise and sends Britain crashing out of the EU with “no deal”.

Sources close to Phil have said:

"He stinks of the devil's semen, like the cunt bathes in Satan’s jizz on an hourly basis after laughing at videos of animals being raped and killed. I’d rather be fucked by a crowbar covered in barbed wire than allow that sticky twat anywhere near me again."

We thanked Mrs Hammond for her time, but decided our efforts would be better focused on finding somebody that works with him on a daily basis.

Experts believe that coming out of the EU with “no deal” would not only be a “cataclysmically bad idea of fuck-tastic proportions,” but also “seriously what fucking idiot thinks that’s a good idea apart from swivel-eyed racists and Imperialist loons?”. They reckon that the country would have to find an extra £80billion to help cope with the shortfall, and, as Hammond would struggle to find his arse with his elbow and GOOGLE maps, Back and to the Left news aren’t overly-confident in his ability to do this. We aren’t confident in his willingness to do this, either, as Brexit either way won’t make him or any of his pals any poorer.

Luckily, we were able to get a quick word in with Phil as he watched two bodyguards drag young, screaming boys into the back of his car.

He said:

"All I mean with an “Emergency Budget” is that I’ll have to make some very interesting choices. For example, I’ll shut every school in the North of England - that should save a couple of bob. I’ll look into closing hospitals as well, even if we don’t need to, because fuck the NHS, you know? But I think the biggest saver will be my increase on income tax on people earning under £20k a year. I think forcing these people, who supported Brexit so hard, to give up 92% of their wage will be the answer. Of course, they're that moronic, they’ll certainly blame Latvian immigrants or the like.”

With that he “booped” us on the nose and got into his car. As he drove off, one of the small boys beat his fist bloody against the window, and we sighed. Once again, we felt cold standing outside an orphanage.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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