Written by Talking Tic-Tacs

Monday, 17 September 2018

image for Avoid Hard Border By Bringing It Inland says Rees-Mog
Our Lord, the Almighty and Saviour Jacob Rees-Mogg used to know this guy here called Jesus Christ.

With Brexit now only six months away and the Irish border question still unresolved, the Jacob Rees-Mog mob have came up with a cunning plan to address it.

The minister for the 18th Century is leading an absolutely vital think tank called The European Research Group, or something.

To avoid a hard border they suggest creating an artificial border where there isn't an actual border that will have all the characteristics, checks and feel of, well, a hard border.

Speaking at his mobile lectern, Ree-Smog said "Bringing the checks inland to a buffer zone 20 kilometres each way, because I'm sure the Republic would agree to that, will allow for the current smooth running of the border to continue. It also means it's so far away that even if Jonny Foreigner or other undesirable makes a run for the wonderful United Kingdom they would be apprehended. And punished. Wholly. "

Another of their suggestions is to have an army of border-collie dogs patrolling the area, herding "any non-compliant interlopers" away and "perhaps even biting one or two ruffians", said the MP for somewhere posh.

Mr Ree-Smog did acknowledge the sensitive nature of the border by saying "I acknowledge the sensitive nature of the border", and that he didn't want a return to border conditions reminiscent of the Troubles, "I don't want a return to border conditions reminiscent of the Troubles", he said.

Reporters were quick to point out that the very conditions he is proposing take the form of border conditions reminiscent of the Troubles, but inland. Rees-Mong responded, "By the time drivers get to the border they will have forgotten all about the soldiers pointing guns at them and giving them cavity searches just to uncover a bag of Revels in the boot. That was 20 kilometres earlier!"

"Hard borders are not easy, that's why they're called hard. It's also because hard borders have lots of fearsome men intimidating you peasants, thus it is hard, but what we are proposing will prevent that, it won't happen at the border."

Critics say his plan would not make for frictionless trade and would see a return to conspicuous authority and visible distrust of people, granted not at the actual border, but a bit before it.

When put to Re-Smaug, he retorted "I'm afraid frictionless trade will be impossible, especially if you're exporting or importing carpets. Just because it's became custom to have no customs does not mean it's customary to constantly please you customers, so to speak. Aren't I clever."

Many observers have observed he's bordering on the ridiculous.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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