Written by TonySofas

Saturday, 1 September 2018

image for Woman completes life by getting a boyfriend.
Woman spends free time at Tesco and suburban park, after coming to her senses and getting a boyfriend.

Former freelance musician, Leona Warwick, 28, has finally decided to stop being half a person, and complete her life by getting a boyfriend.

"After I left university, I travelled a lot, worked hard to pursue my dreams, and was earning a living doing what I love with paid gigs and session musician work. It was brilliant to be honest, I was independent and ecstatically happy."

If that doesn't sound like a gaping hole that needed filling, who knows what does? She saw the light after friends and family urged her to come to her senses. "She was becoming a bit of an embarrassment," remembers facebook friend Erica Henry, unemployed. "We'd all got ourselves another half, and she was just faffing about, doing what she loved as if she had all the time in the world."

After tremendous pressure forced her to re-evaluate her life, Leona signed up to several dating sites. "Everyone kept telling me it would happen one day, and that I wasn't getting any younger, so I gave it a go." After a year, she met Dan, whose skyscrapingly brilliant profile described him as liking, "pubs, football, TV, cinema."

"He's no great shakes really, but it was taking ages, and he's less of a dick than the other ones," explained Leona. "My mum was probably right, it is too much to want a life partner who I can lay and watch the stars with, and dream about future adventures."

She elaborates, "It wasn't that I was anti-relationships before, I was just busy living my life's purpose and felt so fulfilled, that it hadn't crossed my mind that I needed a boyfriend. Looking back, it was clear I was missing a trick - even if I woke up feeling feeling full of indescribable joy, that's a sure sign of becoming a lonely and dried up old spinster with 12 cats. I mean, everyone said so, even though I do genuinely love cats."

So, has life changed for Leona since finding a fella? "Oh, yes," she enthuses. "In the old days, I wasted my time meditating, laughing a lot, which probably looked stupid, and spent my money from a job I loved on travelling and broadening my mind. Today, I'm so broke from buying make-up and clothes for all the dates, I rely on Dan a lot. We watch TV, and go to Prezzos on Fridays, then to a mediocre club with other friends who are couples. I've had to take a job as an area sales manager, so don't have time for music anymore, which Dan prefers, and I'm knackered from the constant management of our Facebook profiles, proving what a fabulous time we are having. At last, my friends and family are happy for me. I have no idea if Dan is or not, we've never really talked much."

Asked if she would swap her new status as a Real Woman for her old life, she shakes her head wistfully. "No, what the hell was I thinking? I was in a fantasy land living the dream, when all I really needed was a man. I see that now."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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