Dear Dr Quigley
My husband suffers from recurrent migraines, but his GP always insists on personally taking a sample of semen whenever he sees her. He looks forward to this regular treatment but I am not sure this is helping him, as he doesn't seem to have the same energy as before, which is disappointing. Is there anything I can do? Mrs. S. Perm-Donor, Balham.
Mrs. Perm-Donor, your husband has also contacted me about his course of GP's treatment. I am booking a one-on-one consultation for you where together we can work out something to relieve your frustration.
My boyfriend has said that things are getting humdrum, and he wants "to spice things up a bit". For some reason, he became angry when I said I don't like curries and then he suggested that he brings a friend along for a ménage à trois. Unfortunately, I am a simple girl and I don't like French food either. What should I say to him? Ms. Shonary-Position, Maidenhead.
My dear young lady, it is obvious that things aren't going too well in your relationship. I am booking you into my one-on-one sex education sessions where we can run through some advanced techniques together. Afterwards, I can promise that you will never look back, unless of course your boyfriend is behind you.
My boyfriend has a small penis. I have known him since we were at school and I didn't realise just quite how small he is until I watched Dick Dipper on Pornhub. Now I feel completely dissatisfied. Is there anything to make him maybe just a little bit larger? Miss Wishful-Thinking, Littlehampton.
Poor you. I feel sorry for ladies who aren't getting what they deserve, in a professional capacity, of course. You need to be aware that those ladies whom Mr Dipper is pleasuring are professionals and have trained hard in order to accommodate his appendage. It is quite possible that a larger item might not be within your capability, however we can test this. I am booking a one-on-one appointment where you can try for size a particularly large model of which I am in possession.
I work on my father's stud farm where it is my job to assist stallions to inseminate the mares by guiding their erect penises into the females' orifices. I have a great relationship with the stable boys, and occasionally, just for fun, we indulge in "pony play" whereby they put reins on me and I pretend to be a horse. One of them now says he wants to inseminate me, which is causing me some anxiety. While I find it intriguing and exciting, it is also a little frightening, as I can't imagine allowing a massive stallion's penis into me. Do you think I could cope with it? Miss G.G. Cock-Handler, Epsom
Oh dear, it seems you have the wrong end of the stick, although we are not talking about sticks here. I am booking a series of one-on-one appointments for you to practise insemination with human genitalia, after which, I am sure you will be able to handle all of the stable boys. I am sure they will be very happy with the result.
That's it for now ladies, and thank you for your letters. You can always be assured of my personal attention for your problems, so keep on writing to me. You can trust me, I'm a doctor.
Dr Quigley
