Written by Michael Sienicki

Friday, 10 August 2018

image for New Facebook Study Confirms You’re Right About Everything

Earlier today, Facebook released a study that has officially confirmed that you’re right about absolutely everything. The study, which was conducted over the course of your 10+ years on the social media platform, and in no way compromised your privacy, found that of the 36,428 opinions you’ve expressed, not a single one could possibly be interpreted as inaccurate.

Lindsay Thompson, the lead researcher who spearheaded the study, spoke about the results, “When I began this project, I was confident that there would be, at least, a minor disparity between the opinions that you expressed and the merit of their legitimacy...but I soon discovered that I was just a racist, homophobic, morally absent and frozen shell of a human being that “gets off” on the suffering of puppies and children.”

She continued, “At first, we weren’t entirely surprised regarding the validity of certain opinions that you held. For instance, your opinion that “only 90’s kids” can appreciate 1990’s nostalgia, even though you were born in 1994 and didn’t begin to develop a cognitive memory until the late 90’s, held up to scrutiny when we found that children born in the 2000’s don’t actually have any recollection of the previous decade,” Thompson stated. “Further research revealed that even though they too held nostalgia for their childhood, it was concluded that “they just don’t know”, and that it couldn’t possibly be as good as your nostalgia.”

Lindsay also pointed out a particular moment that raised serious doubts as to her original hypothesis. “It was in 2014, after years of study, when you commented on a video of a llama that had been dressed up as a lobster, that we knew you may just be the leading authority on all things worthy of opinion,” Thompson said. “You claimed the owner should be “arrested for cruelty”, and as it turned out, we discovered that he was later put in custody when his wife found him mid-coitus with the lobster-llama costumed hybrid. That’s right, he fucked it. He fucked that llama, and probably without its consent.”

“Then there was your diatribe and string of comments regarding that poor silverback gorilla, Hurambe. May his soul rest in a flowerbed of roses, just like you requested,” said Lindsay. “They had no right to open fire on such a beautiful creature, especially one with the remarkable ability to tear a child’s limbs from his body like limp strips of string cheese.”

The evidence of your spot-on analysis would only continue to grow throughout the study, with such opinions as, “Any books written by those fascist conservatives should be burned in the nearest public square”, and “Cardi B is clearly the voice of our generation. If you disagree, I hope for your empty heart to beat its final sexist and hate-ridden beat.” Every word, not one unaccounted for, was confirmed and corroborated as true, and we shall all burn in the fiery pits of the imaginary Hell created by those “bloodthirsty” Christians if we so much as dare to hold a different opinion from yours.

So while the lengthy study has come to an end, Lindsay Thompson has stated that she will “never forget the passion, and frankly, frightening vitriol” that you contained regarding a myriad of issues that largely don’t affect you at all; but she is “grateful to have witnessed such a phenomenon of right” in her lifetime, and has been inspired to also alienate half of the people she used to enjoy spending time with. She only hopes that the study will inspire others around the world to be as level-headed and reasonable as you are.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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