Written by Paxton Quigley

Monday, 11 June 2018

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image for Mayhem at Women's Vote Celebration March as Spoof Reporter is Arrested
"You condescending bastard"

"We need an Equality and Diversity Editor" said the Head of News as he stumbled drunkenly into the office. "Paxton, you're the only white Anglo-Saxon male here, so you'll do."

Those fateful words led me to attend a women's march through London to celebrate 100 years of the women's vote followed by a short spell in police cells for incitement to riot. Junior reporter Ivana Orgasmovitch accompanied me on this fateful adventure and co-writes the story from a female point of view.

Ivana writes. You bastard, Paxton, "junior reporter" now am I? I bloody well studied journalism at Krakow University and you only got this job because your mum slept with the owner 35 years ago and you were the result.

Girls as young as 12 marched alongside their mothers and grandmothers calling for equal pay and representation in all jobs and as a mark of respect for those who, 100 years ago, fought for women's voices to be heard. Tens of thousands of women joined the processions, with women gathering from all over the world and even from Northern Ireland. Our reporter was soon mingling with the numerous women of all ages, but seemed to focus mainly those in their teens and early twenties.

One of our reporter's first encounters was with a vocal crowd of mixed ethnicity women holding hands.
"Well, hello ladies, you're all looking rather nice on this bright sunny day. What do these rainbow flags and badges mean?"
"We're from Brixton LGBT Forum and we're lesbians standing up for our rights."
"What do you mean by 'lesbians'?"
"We like women although we're not against men, but we just aren't sexually attracted to them."
"Don't be silly. How can that be? I don't like men myself, but really don't you appreciate a nice well honed man's body like mine up against yours? What do you think?"
"What are you suggesting? Get away from me and my sisters."

The London Chamber of Commerce (Women's Section) was in the thick of the march, demanding more senior executive jobs for females. Our inimitable reporter posed a question to their leader, Melissa Scrotum-Squeezer.
"So Melissa, what is it you ladies are after?
"We want an end to the glass ceiling, equal executive pay and more women on company boards. Women can run companies as well as men, if not better and with less macho behaviour."
"But surely, aren't the big jobs too hard for women? The chairman of Qatar Airways says it needs a man to run an airline. Isn't he right?"
"Don't be so bloody stupid. I have highly qualified women in my membership and just because they didn't go to Eton and don't have a penis it doesn't mean they can't run a successful business."
"Ooh, Melissa, keep your knickers on, please."
"Get lost you ignorant pig."

A gaggle of teenagers was next to catch our roving reporter's attention.
"Hellooo girlies, I hear you're chanting something I can't quite make out. What is it?"
"We're singing out for a woman's right to choose. Our bodies belong to us and it's not for fusty old men to make decisions affecting us about sex and fertility."
"Oh dear, such sweet girls, why are you bothering your pretty little heads with things like that? You just need a nice man to look after you."
"Did you just pat me on the bum? You did. You condescending bastard. You deserve a kick in the balls. There, that'll teach you. Now fuck off."

Our reporter was then set about by several of the marchers before Metropolitan Police officers rescued him from the angry throng. He is next due to appear at Bow Street magistrate's court on a bail hearing.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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