Tonight's "Eastenders" to Top All -Time Viewing Figures

Funny story written by Auntie Matter

Thursday, 16 June 2016

image for Tonight's "Eastenders" to Top All -Time Viewing Figures
Russian Vodka....Loathed by English Football Fans

An estimated 37 million people will be watching tonights riveting episode of EASTENDERS, Britains most popular soap first broadcast on Feb 19/ 1985.

Here is the story so far...

Belinda doesn't believe Neville when he says he did not have a threesome with her best friend and his old school teacher who is seventy three. Mick and Linda are surprised when they see young Ollie taken up in a flying saucer. Mick berates Linda for leaving her cell phone in the car as they could have taken a picture and set themselves up for life. Convinced that Ollie won't bother to send him a card from a parallel universe Mick threatens to reveal that Neville is a transgender. Distraught, Neville burns his entire collection of Victoria Secret lingerie in the garden and inadvertently sets fires to the local pub. A lynch posse is formed and a riot breaks out. There are fears that the rioting may spill out of Walford and engulf the entire nation. Neville is taken into police custody for his own safety. The mob decide to change the name of their burnt-out pub from the "Queen Victoria" to the "King Victor" and they would work day and night without pay to restore it to its former glory. Neville is barred for life, in absentia.

Kathy lays into Sharon for attacking Ian who has attempted suicide upon reading Sharon's comments about him on Facebook. "... Umanly," "... can't do it unless he's pissed", "... couldn't score in a Malaysian brothel with a basketful of dope", "... the rigid midget with the frigid digit," are just some of the vicious remarks that drive Ian to the brink.

Police must talk him down from the top of Big Ben. This is achieved when, guilt stricken, Sharon informs police that the only one he will listen to is his favourite actor... Sylvester Stallone. "Sly" is flown in from Hollywood and speaks to Ian from a helicopter. "I love you, man," says he. Tears streaming down his face as it is the only time in his life anyone called him "man", Ian relents and surrenders. Neville visits him in the asylum and tells him he "understands".

Martin is angry when Bex tells him he wasn't "the first". That she has had 791 other boyfriends before him and she hasn't stopped yet and won't stop either, until she gets in the Guinness Book of Records; and that she doesn't go to work every morning as he imagines... but visits a rehab centre for chronic heroin addicts.

Meanwhile, Kathy's father tells her that he and his mum did not split up when she was fourteen; but that he had spent two years in Wormwood Scrubs for soliciting prostitutes; but thankfully, he is now cured. She believes him and forgives... until she finds fourteen hundred pornographic DVDs under his floor boards.

Martin suspects that his brother has joined the Muslims when he accidentally finds a photo of him sitting on a camel, sporting a Chelsea football jersey and brandishing a Kalashnikov. He knows he is not in Brighton because he has a tan and the sand is better and there is a lot more of it. Dare he tell Bex and will they have to mortgage the house in order to bring him home? Unable to deal with the problem he falls off the wagon for the second time that week and buys himself a crate of Russian vodka. When he insists the vodka be Russian, the man behind the counter challenges him to a "fight to the death" in support of the England football squad struggling in Paris in the UEFA Euro 2016. Loyalties divided, what will Martin do? He phones Neville for advice.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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