BBC Training Manual Leaked

Funny story written by Auntie Matter

Friday, 6 May 2016

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Believe! Believe! Believe! Television is Your Friend.

A whistleblower has released an excerpt from a training manual used by the BBC to train 'News' broadcasters. Headed the "TEN KEY POINTS FOR ALL BROADCASTERS" it makes for disturbing reading. It reads as follows:

1: Never ever question what you, the newscaster, are expected to read. If you do, you question your employer, the BBC. And that can get you into trouble. Ask David Icke. Think of yourself as the property of the BBC. If you are a Freemason as most of us are, then you really ARE the property of the BBC, to do with as we will. Ask Rolf Harris or Tony Blackburn. However, while you are of use to us we will protect you, as we did with Savile.

2. Remember the numbers of war fatalities or any other fatalities you have to mention are merely a number on your teleprompter. Never think it refers to actual men, women and children.

3. Look sad when you are expected and drop your voice on cue. As a guide pay special attention to the sad/happy icons at the beginning of each sentence on your script or prompter.

4. Always stare at the camera to give the impression that you are addressing the sheeple directly. This provides them with a sense of comfort and induces them to turn on their tellies first chance they get, usually in the mornings, especially if they live alone. We are their friend. We are their comforter. We live in their house as a permanent resident.

5. If when asking a question you are caught out in what the sheeple call a "lie", say simply: "I think you are wrong there but I will certainly research my facts again after the program and get back to you." Then switch quickly to something else.

6. Frequent hand gestures and nods of the head are most effective in retaining the sheeple's attention. Like cats they are attracted to small movements and frequent gesturing has a mesmeric effect and helps get our messages across.

7. If you have to ad lib never make more than three assertions and always in quick succession. Keep your most telling until last. If in real difficulty, terminate the interview immediately. However heated the interview... always end politely. Alf Garnett never won an argument because, however right he may been, he could never keep his cool.

8. Verbs must always be accented on the upbeat; nouns flatly accented, except nouns concerning public institutions especially legal bodies which must always have an audible doubt built into the soundytes. For, the sheeple must understand that government is a mysterious process forever beyond their comprehension that has nothing whatever to do with them and is not directly connected to people as such but runs in much the same manner as a hydro-electric power station,... all by itself. A natural force in other words, and not the most effective sheeple tool there is for the New World Order. For that reason, if no other, we must keep alive the myth of 'democracy'. There are few topics indeed we cannot deal with for, we all know, at the end of the day, none of it matters for the sheep have no power and what has to be done, will be done, with or without them.

9. Good news is best delivered quickly as if it didn't matter; bad news, slowly, as if it was the most important thing in the world no matter how relatively unimportant it may actually be. This is especially true of health issues. An outbreak of flu in Swansea must be read as the Black Plague decimating the whole of Britain and Europe. This ensures a raise in sheeple anxiety levels which in turn ensures they have their life insurances and mortgages paid up to date and thus guarantees they show up for work on Mondays as normal. We work for the bankers through their functionaries in government, let us not forget. Without blind obedience NOTHING that we hold dear could possibly exist. Ask a policeman, a newspaper editor, J.K. Rowling... or any army recruitment officer.

10. In all cases, sentences must be delivered in an hypnotic lilt resembling a wave pattern. Rising in the middle and falling in tone towards the end. This is because the sheeple are fast asleep and the last thing we want to do is waken them up. Your job, and ours, is to continuously reinforce the general state of collective narcosis.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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