Matthew's Suicide Note

Funny story written by Auntie Matter

Sunday, 12 April 2015

image for Matthew's Suicide Note
Matthew's Boots. Note attached.

Scotland Yard Police are trying to trace the origins of a suicide note. Police were summoned to Blackfriars Bridge last night when a man out walking his dog spotted a pair of boots mid-way across the bridge on the pavement beside a briefcase full of books. Socks were also in the boots. Concerns about the fate of their owner were immediately raised.

Judging from the size of the boots and the contents of the case it would seem the owner called "Matthew" was a male in his late teens, probably a university student. His books would indicate he was studying sociology.

Despite a search of the Thames no body has yet been found. The contents of the note left by the missing youth however has been released in an attempt to jog the memories of anyone who may have known him. It reads as follows:

"I've HAD IT with straightdom, queerdom, dykedom, bi-dom and tri-dom, with transsexual, bisexual and multisexual, with gender bender and bender fender, with first offender and last offender and young offender. Had it with sane, insane, sociopath, psychopath, with polar and bi-polar, with schizo and bi-schizo. Had it with introvert, extravert and inbetweenvert. Had it with left, right, centre-left and centre-right, with mid-left centre right and mid-right centre left, with socialism, communism, liberalism and fuckoffism. With Hinduism, Buddhism, Protestantism, Anglicanism, Mormonism, Islamism, Jesusism, Jainism, Popism, Scientologism and maypole Sufi mesmerism. Had it with courtship, engagement, marriage, wedded blissism, divorce; with threesomes, swingsomes, weirdsomes and orgysomes. Had it with naturo, acu, herbo and medico. Had it with smart, smarter and really smart, with dumb, dumber and really dumb, with cretin and fucking genius and plagiarism. Had it with cry-me-a-river Sheeple music, with whinging, whining laugh-all-the-way-to-the-bank achy-breaky soul destroying horseshit moron's earworm crapola for the self-pitying masses; had it with upwardly mobile and downwardly senile, with getting it and having it and losing it; with making it, faking it, supporting it, raking it; with slaking it and staking it and taking it; with wanting it, leaving it, hoarding it and binning it. Had it with stuffed up politicos and paid up lackeys, with backhanders, forehanders, underhanders and overhanders, with sidebenders, sidewinders, sideglancers and sidesteppers. Had it with Freemason paedos, Freemason lawyers, Freemason judges, Freemason back benchers and Freemason front benchers, Freemason lords and Freemason ladies, Freemason editors and Freemason journos, Freemason jokers, Freemason Jimmy Saviles, Freemason bankers and Freemason investors, Freemason bloodlines and Freemason frontlines, Freemason pimps and Freemason spies; with Freemason lies, Freemason cover-ups and Freemason disclosures, with Freemason mystics and Freemason Sheeple molesters. Had it with black priests, white nuns, black Jesuits and black monks. With White Friars and Blackfriars. Fucking HAD IT!

Had it with it all. Been here too long. Been pissed upon by many and prey to all. Servant of none, I was born free. Never asked for any of it, never wanted any of it, never needed any of it. Have a nice day. Matthew.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more