Written by Michael Egan

Tuesday, 10 February 2015

Cambridge-Nearly half the faculty at Harvard (49.2%) have submitted their resignations to the college over its new policy forbidding sexual relations with students.

The group includes LGBT professors and graduate instructors alike, who say that their "constitutional right to the pursuit of random genitalia" is being "unacceptably infringed."

"Like most of us I became a college professor chiefly for the nookie," explained Dr Randy Bollocks, a pimply Professor of Computer Science with a bad case of halitosis.

"Nerds like me don't get laid when we're undergraduates," he said, picking his nose. "Ask Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer! Do you think they dropped out to found Microsoft?

"No, they were just horny. We nerds have to wait until we're professors, or at least multibillionaires, to get some. Sex is the main reason most of us stick around."

Dr Bollocks emphasized that the majority of his colleagues were not in it for the money. "We can all make much more in the private sector," he said, taping together a pair of broken spectacles.

"But the availability of all-you-can eat pussy on the half-shell is--or used to be--the compensating factor that kept hundreds of guys like me on campus. We're all desperately hoping to finally lose our virginity."

Dr Bollocks noted that he himself was still waiting, because even under the previous policy it was difficult for spotty geeks to, as he put it algorithmically, "Control-Alt and Insert."

This was equally true, he continued in a spirit of gender equality, of some of the hairier female faculty. Most were, like himself, so unappealing that not even the local Massachusetts girls would have anything to do with them.

"And you've gotta be pretty pathetic not to make it with a chick from Worcester," he said, scratching himself intimately.

"Why do you think Alan Dershowitz finally left? You can tell just by looking at him he hasn't had sex since the O.J. Simpson trial. As for Larry Summers, well, we all know about him and Harvard women, don't we?"

Opinion among the school's undergraduates was mixed. Many of the younger women expressed their keen disappointment at now not being able to snare an academic husband, or at least have an affair with Henry Kissinger.

"After all, isn't that what we came to Harvard for?" demanded foreign-born Igot Gonorrhea, known as The Slut from Somalia. "My ambition was always to become a faculty wife, go to cheese-and-wine parties and dally with my husband's colleagues.

"But now," she noted mournfully, "the dream is gone. All I've got left is Stephen Greenblatt."

Most undergraduate men, however, were elated. "The new rules don't say we can't bonk 'em," leered Hamish McHardon, captain of the Caber Tossing team.

"Now maybe I can finally get a shot at Marylou and all those poor, oppressed victims at the Kappa Upsilon Nu Tau sorority. Suck my dick, Henry Kissinger!"

Then he added: "Oh no, he can't now. Well, on to Marylou."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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