New warning to Scotland's parents - shock 'substance' abuse heads north

Written by Jaggy Nettles

Thursday, 13 November 2014

Health Scotland, Police Scotland and Mars Confectionery issued a joint warning to Scotland's parents and teenagers last night as fears grow around a new substance abuse crisis sweeping large areas of the central belt in Scotland. Teens and pasty faced youths, some as young as seven have been reportedly dabbling in a rarely found substance in Scotland, however it is extremely common in Asia, the Mediterranean, South America, Australasia, Northern America and Europe and parts of Southern Britain.

This substance has reportedly caused outbreaks of non pallid, non spotty skin, regular bowel movements, increased energy levels and more pleasant manners. The substance has various categories and nick-names. Parents and teachers are being warned to listen out for such things as "yellows", "bendys", "yellow bendys" and "Nanas" which are classed by the rather unusual name as a "Banana", a sub division of something known as F.R.U.I.T or fruit. Other sub divisions are "Apples" which are a derivative of raw cider, "Pears" which are pear shaped and "Plumbs" which can be apparently found in trees and gardens and look like bruised testicles.

Most worryingly for parents are the emergence of "Oranges", "Lemons" and "Limes" which are cunningly coloured and flavoured to look like Skittles and Starburst sweeties. Mars Confectionery were last night seeking to distance themselves from the craze and have threatened legal action against the heartless manufacturers of 'Fruit' and insist all 'fruit' labs will be closed down. Mars UK Chief Arthur Fishal-Kuller has condemned governments the world over for allowing 'fruit' manufacturing on a mass scale and. he alleges, are turning a blind eye.

"This is an appalling trade in misery being peddled by heartless villains and I call on governments worldwide to close down these laboratories, sometimes known as 'farms'. It is only a matter of time before a child or toddler mistakes an "orange" for Skittles or Starburst. Scottish children simply can't process this stuff, their insides cramp up, their stomachs produce wind, their jaws simply cant work hard enough at crunching, munching and chewing. Apparently the 'peel' is indigestible and there is no warning printed on the 'peel' to state this. What kind of monsters are these.

Council health sour-puss Dee Syple has been speaking in primary schools this week, warning of the dangers lurking in sometimes the most obvious places " I was in Tesco this week and had to point out to the Manager that he was openly selling "yellow bendys" and offering clubcard points, if you flipping well please, honestly...they've no shame. This is just the thin end of the wedge, we now have to be on guard for other, harder 'Fruit' . Just this week a teacher from Edinburgh's West End school reported a child coming to school with a "kumquat" in her lunchbox, but then,... I did hear her parents are a couple of fannies" !

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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