ATLANTA – The governor of Georgia has decided to toss the dice and put the health of every man, woman, and child in the “Peach State” in jeopardy. Governor Brian Meinkemp, a staunch Republican, has said that the economy of Georgia is suffering, an...
A big proponent of energy conservation, Leon Mills of Nashville, Tennessee, prefers not to pick low-hanging fruit but instead to wait for it to fall to the ground. "It's riper that way, too," said Mills, who noted that biting into a less-than-ripe...
A self-described low-hanging fruit who prefers the natural look, a nectarine named Nick allowed a bit of fuzz to appear on his normally smooth skin, and says that he now fears being impeached. "Nothing against peaches, of course, but that would ju...
There was drama in Southeast Asia this morning when a man who had intended to eat some yellow watermelon for breakfast discovered after opening his fridge, that the fruit was off, and by some quite considerable distance! Moys Kenwood, 47, had boug...
In its sweep of non-labelling, Target turned the tables on fruit lovers. Not wanting to offend anyone, its fruits, fresh or packaged, will now be thrown into a large bin and with signage: Fruit Flavored Stuff. "If you want a lime for your Coron...
Health Scotland, Police Scotland and Mars Confectionery issued a joint warning to Scotland's parents and teenagers last night as fears grow around a new substance abuse crisis sweeping large areas of the central belt in Scotland. Teens and pasty face...
Silver Spring, MD - The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has released it's official position regarding fruit sticker-shock. The FDA has determined that no physical harm results and that any emotional repercussions are outside its official juri...
In a move that has stunned and outraged pear aficionados around the world, pears have been downgraded from a fruit to a dwarf fruit. The move comes after the latest annual conference of the International Fruit Tree Association, or IFTA. The conferenc...
INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana - A group of Archaeologists affiliated with Johnny Appleseed University in Indianapolis have come across an astounding archaeological find. The group leader Dr. Larson Tuckteen has informed the news media that they have come...
Drink-spiking drug and racoon laxative, Rohypnol, actually counts as one of your five-a-day according to sometimes sex offender, Gavin McCloroform. Gavin, a thirty-eight-year-old dietician from Cardiff, claims the drug is misunderstood and with t...
ANKARA: At a conference in Ankara, Turkey yesterday, the World Health Organisation validated it's 10 point memorandum encouraging sexual relations with a fruit. The general consensus is to eradicate lonliness with alternate, safe and satisfying f...
A European plum shortage has hit manufacturers of Fruit Machines in the UK. "The UK is the number one exporter of fruit machines, one arm bandits and the like," said Jason Orange, former member of Take That and owner of Fruit Inc. "We export to th...
Dentists across the UK are opposed to government measures to increase the so-called 5-a-day, and want the opposite. "We need Britons to reduce to three a day, or even two a day," said Denby Twist of the Dorking Dentistry School. "The last thing we...
The conurbations of England may have seen its share of troubles of late, with hoards of the great unwanted roaming the shopping arcades and retail boulevards, on the look out for a free take home treat of a flat TV or DVD, but an altogether quieter r...
Mathematicians at Cambridge have cracked the secret code behind the flashing lights on Fruit Machines in pubs up and down the country, and the news is not good. "To put it simply," said Nick Harvey, head of Prime Numbers at Cambridge, "the iterati...
Dear Sir, I melon to you as one who wishes to draw the pomegranate of your readers to the grape of those who are forced to endure the banana called "fruit insertion coconut", by which they are tomato to substitute the starfruits of fruits for the actual mandarins they really want to apple. As blackberry can no strawberry pineapple, this is a very apricot condition for both sufferers and thos...
Parents who look to their children's school lunches as a source of nutrition can now rest easy, knowing that their Federal Government (through the Food and Drug Administration) has declared Kool-Aid to be a fruit. The beverage will count as a full se...
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