U. S. Olympic Pee Trials Interrupted by Oregon's Excessive Heat

Funny story written by Ralph E. Shaffer

Friday, 2 July 2021

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As the Olympic track and field trials near an end here at Autzen Stadium, hopeful contestants in the peeing for distance competition were forced to take shelter in a cooling area as temperatures reached 110 degrees on the field. It is unlikely that the competition will resume later since that area of the turf will be used by sunflower seed spitters.

Athletes seeking places in the following categories will be selected on the basis of past performance if competition does not resume: peeing for distance, volume, and symmetry in the men's category, and discreetness for the women's team.

The heat has taken its toll, here, as noticed in the performances turned in by the peeing competitors. The favorite in the men's volume competition, Peter Enos. set an unofficial world record of 1 and 3/4 quarts, a full 1/4 quart over the existing mark. Officials refused to accept that as a world record, however, because the persistent high temperatures had forced competitors to consume unheard of amounts of liquid before the competition despite rules that prohibit consumption any sooner than three hours before the event.

Enos also leads in the distance competition, with an unchallenged mark of 62 and 3/16th inches, which would be a new American record if allowed to stand. That, too, was challenged because of excessive consumption. Doctors for the team, however, had authorized the intake of extra large amounts of water due to the heat.

In the free style event, where the three finalists were officially determined, all three finalists used skateboards in the accuracy event, circling the toilet multiple times with 100 percent accuracy with their pee.

In the mixed pairs competition, a new Olympic event this year, the team from Liberty University finished first.

Autzen Stadium, Eugene, Oregon, Wood Blister with a SINful report for Spoof International News.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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