SEATTLE – (Satire News) – The city famous for coffee, Bill Gates, and asparagus, has just hit a sweltering heat index of 119 degrees.
Many residents of Seattle stated that anyone who still does not believe in climate change is either stupid, hard-headed, or two degrees removed from being a lava rock.
One long time resident of the city, Buford R. Watergap, 91, said that it was so damn hot that he saw two sparrows spitting on each other in an attempt to stay cool.
A Walmart shopper said that as she was walking to her car, she dropped a carton of eggs on the parking lot, and before she could pick them up, they were already starting to cook.
Every grocery store ran out of water, tea, sodas, and tequila. One local retail chain is having fourteen 18-wheelers loaded with cases of water shipped in from Tijuana, Mexico.
An owner of a local nursery told the local ABC TV affiliate that it was so damn hot that he could actually hear some of his fruit trees moaning from the heat.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the weather coin, residents of Laredo, Texas have been told that they could be seeing some snow flurries in the next few days.