PHOENIX – (Sports News) – With a horrific record of 20-43, the Diamondbacks of Arizona are looking more like fishing worms than rattlesnakes.
Thousands of fans have abandoned the Major League Baseball team, and are instead, watching reality shows such as “The Taco Wars,” The Sushi Show,” and the very erotically popular “Housewives of Intercourse, Pennsylvania.”
Longtime Back’s fan, Wintrop “Woodpecker” McEnfeller, 87, said that if he was 10 years younger he’d try out for the team.
He giggled as he said that he probably wouldn’t make it, but at least he’d put a big old smile on his 104-year-old mother’s face.
Diamondback executives are blaming all of the losses on the hot-as-hell weather, with temperatures reaching a heat index of 107.
Team executive director of team promotions, Sage F. Tiptonboxer, III, has devised a promotion that hopefully will bring in the fans.
He is proposing a “Catch a Foul Ball and Get a $500 Gift Certificate To CVS Pharmacy” promotion.
Tiptonboxer explained that unlike other Major League Baseball teams, the Diamondbacks organization will not double the price of beer, hot dogs, or egg rolls to offset the expense of the promotion.
In Other News. Marjorie Taylor Greene is denying the report that appeared in The Detroit Motor Mirror newspaper that stated that she is the proud owner of 13 vibrators.