NFL Network's Siciliano is determined not to let giant ears slow him down

Funny story written by Earthvessel

Wednesday, 12 May 2021

image for NFL Network's Siciliano is determined not to let giant ears slow him down
Our artist's depiction of what Siciliano will look like after hole-punching

The NFL Network just announced that afternoon anchor Andrew Siciliano is "scheduled for a surgical procedure" in June to remedy resistance problems caused by his drastically oversized ears.

Siciliano recently has griped on a few occasions that the size and shape of his ears require “way too much effort" for him to move from place to place. "The resistance is ridiculous" he told us. "My walking-running speeds are extremely limited due to the size and shape of my ears. If I could fly well, that might be ok, but I can't!"

Siciliano had been resolved to live with the issue, but during the lockdown, he was asked by family to wear a nylon stocking over his head – along with a mask of course, to avoid contacting a virus. While wearing the stockings, Siciliano was amazed at the ease of moving about with his huge ears subdued under them, remarking; “Jeepers, let me tell you, walking seemed like a real breeze!”

After having that experience Anthony has been determined to do something to remedy his problem - actually his two problems.

Siciliano told us his plastic surgeon recommended reduction surgery, which would leave Siciliano’s ears at approximately 32% of their current size and maintain peak audial proficiency.

While this may be the more conventional option, it is cost prohibitive with a six-figure price tag.

The rumor mill says the NFL Network is pushing Siciliano to opt for a cheaper and more practical option of simply “punching” one or two good size holes in each ear. The network reportedly is willing to dish out the $2,500 cost for the outpatient procedure that would have Siciliano back on the set the next day!

Our sources tell us Siciliano is a practical guy that will likely comply with the wishes of his employer. We'll soon see if that is the case.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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