The world of professional golf was on tenterhooks tonight, after the former world number one player, Tiger Woods, was reported to have been admitted to hospital in a critical condition after being seriously injured whilst 'spanking his monkey'.
Woods, 45, was found in bushes near the Los Angeles roadside after calling the emergency services for urgent medical assistance. His black SUV had rolled off the road, possibly as a result of attempting to drive the vehicle with 'no hands', as he throttled his choad.
Medical staff who attended the scene found Woods with his trousers around his ankles, and sprawled out in the dirt. His smartphone, which was found on the ground a few feet from Woods' outstretched hand, was playing a porn video involving a Russian man, two women, and a goat.
It's thought Mr. Woods may have been watching the sexy video footage in order to assist him in 'bashing one out', but this has yet to be confirmed.
Senior member of the medical team, Mark Myword, said:
"He'd really had a good go at it, and it seems as if he might have become just a little bit too enthusiastic, and lost control of the vehicle."
Word from the hospital is that Woods is feeling well below par.