Football Pundits Talk Bollox

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Wednesday, 10 February 2021

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Football pundits: might as well ask this lad what he thinks

When Liverpool put seven goals past Crystal Palace just seven short weeks ago on 19 December, the talk amongst football punditry was of "how far ahead of other football teams Jurgen Klopp's team are", how they were "uncatchable", and how "exquisite" was the football they were playing.

One 'expert' said the title race was already over, and that the other teams were merely playing for Champions League places.

They're not saying that now.

After the game on 19 December, Liverpool were 5 points clear of second-placed Everton, with Manchester City 8 points adrift. The Premier League title race was all but over.

Fast forward 49 days, however, and everything has changed.

After the Reds crumbled to a 4-1 home defeat at Anfield against their most dangerous rivals, Manchester City, on Sunday, and last Thursday's humiliating 1-0 humbling by struggling Brighton - again at Anfield - the question has to be asked:

"Aren't the 'experts' just talking a load of shite?"

Their observations on events during a game are one thing, but predicting that a Premier League season is over before Christmas has been reached seems unwise.

Especially now that the prediction looks like a sick joke.

At the same time as Liverpool were being hailed as "back-to-back champions", Manchester United were said to be "struggling". They were in 7th spot, also 8 points behind Liverpool. One pundit said that Ole Gunnar Solskjaer's men were "out of the picture", whilst another offered:

"United are living in Liverpool's shadow."

Not now. Indeed, it took only two short weeks for these stupid comments to be tossed into the ever-growing skip of ridiculous tripe spoken by ex-footballers with nothing better to do than roll out of bed, and drive their luxury cars to the nearest TV studio, with a chin full of stubble, and some ill-thought-out assessment of a team's prospects swimming around their empty heads.

First, a New Year's Day 2-1 victory over Aston Villa put United level on points with Liverpool, and then a 1-0 victory at Turf Moor against Burnley on 12 January sent them top.

The point of all this? Ex-footballers known about as much as I do, or you do. Their comments and opinions are about as useful as background music in a supermarket or a lift. Something to fill the void before and after the game, and, if you must sit lifeless in front of the telly instead of going to make a cup of tea, at halftime.

There are droves of them: Don Hutchison, Dion Dublin, Tim Sherwood, Leon Osman, Robbie Savage, Chris Sutton, Glen Johnson, Lee Dixon, Michael Owen, and a whole host of women football players whose names are unimportant. All with assured opinions that are about as accurate as that drunk at the bar last Saturday night, or that bloke sitting behind you on the bus, pouring shit from his mouth into your ears.

Social commentator Moys Kenwood, who is as irritated by ex-footballer football pundits as the next man, said:

"Fair enough, they were decent players, but that doesn't make them good speakers. Far from being satisfied with the rich, undeserved trappings of their overpaid playing careers, they now can't resist 'hugging the limelight' from the warmth and comfort of a studio, spouting endless 'in-the-know' bullshit."

Plus, the host is always a woman.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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