MINNEAPOLIS, Minnesota – (Sports Satire) – The Minnesota Vikings owner, Zygmunt Wilf, no relation to porn star Lucretia Wilf, says he's really upset that his team has so many players that have come down with the Coronavirus.
Wilf pointed out that, if this keeps up, his team will have to forfeit the rest of the season's games.
He went on to say that he has already lost all of the players on his kickoff team, plus the team bus driver, the ball girl, and 13 of the 32 cheerleaders.
Wilf held a virtual team meeting, and told his players that he knows some of them have been seen at fast food restaurants, bars, and even at a house of ill-repute.
He's decided to give them an incentive, saying that, if they promise to shelter-in-place and self-isolate when they’re at home, at the end of the season he will give each one a COVID-19 Incentive bonus of $100,000.
He asked the players to each sign a promissory note, and all 53 players signed.
The only one who refused to sign the agreement was Mannheim Pecky, a rookie punter from Czechoslovakia, who is believed to be addicted to the hallucinating drug Pompombulamide.