The NFL Drops Its Random Drug Testing

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Saturday, 12 December 2020

image for The NFL Drops Its Random Drug Testing
A doctor drug testing an NFL stadium beer vendor.

NEW YORK CITY – (Sports Satire) – The National Football League has dropped its random drug testing program, effective immediately.

The decision was not really announced to the sports media, it was merely sent out to the 32 team owners, as a type of in-house memorandum.

Sports Territory Magazine’s Hiawatha Pamplona spoke with an assistant to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, and asked point blank why the big secrecy.

The assistant, who refused to give her real name, and said to call her Lucy Ricardo, commented that she is not at liberty to explain the decision.

Meanwhile, Pamplona texted famed know-it-all guru, Andy Cohen, who informed him that the NFL has hundreds of players who are sheltering-in-place, self-isolating, self-distancing, and quarantining.

Cohen divulged that he got it from an excellent source that the NFL does not want to lose any more players, or the season could be cancelled.

So Commissioner Roger Goodell has quietly implemented a new “No More Drug Testing” policy.

Meanwhile, in a related story, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones was given a cocaine test and he passed it.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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