Tom Brady: I Want to Play in Shitty Markets Until I’m 50

Funny story written by KJ Hart

Tuesday, 1 December 2020

image for Tom Brady: I Want to Play in Shitty Markets Until I’m 50

He has six Super Bowl rings and 14 Pro Bowl appearances.

And he’s a shoo-in for the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

But don’t expect Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback and New England Patriots legend Tom Brady to hang up his bulky knee brace anytime soon.

The 43-year-old Brady says he wants to continue playing in shitty markets until he’s at least 50.

“I spent 20 years playing in ankle-deep snow 15 miles from Woonsocket, Rhode Island,” said the wistful Brady in a recent interview. “That’s every boy’s dream. As long as there’s a shitty-market team willing to have me, I’ll keep doing what I love.”

Of course, Brady’s time delighting drunken, occasionally racist Patriots fans in sub-zero temperatures is now in the past.

After failing to agree to a contract extension after the 2019 season, Brady packed up his Super Bowl rings and UGG boots and headed for Florida.

He’s now throwing his trademark check-down and dump-off passes at the Buccaneers’ Raymond James Stadium, just a stone’s throw from the shark-infested waters of the Tampa Bay Estuary.

And so far, Brady has been loving his time in Poor Man’s Miami.

“It may not have the hot nightlife like Pensacola and Tallahassee, but, hey, I’m 43 years old,” Brady said. “And, if I ever need a change of pace, I can hop in the minivan and be in Ocala in an hour and a half. That was a big selling point.”

Of course, Brady has turned in an uneven performance during his first season with the Buccaneers, and has frequently been at odds with head coach Bruce Arians. And, with only one season left on his two-year deal, Brady may need to find another shitty-market team to continue his career.

The only problem? The list of shitty-market suitors may be dwindling.

After the Rams relocated to Los Angeles in 2016, Brady’s dream of one day suiting-up in St. Louis evaporated.

And with entrenched starters in Cleveland and Detroit, Brady may have a tough time finding his next shitty market.

One intriguing possibility is Cincinnati, where Brady could wrap up his career mentoring Bengals rookie sensation Joe Burrow. That would allow Brady to build his fanbase in both the Southern Ohio and nearby Kentucky markets.

“Obviously, I’m just taking things one game and one season at a time,” Brady said. “Whether I finish my career in Tampa, Jacksonville, or some Milwaukee expansion franchise, it’s still been one hell of a ride.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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