GILLETTE, Massachusetts – (Sports Satire) – A very somber Coach Bill Belichick told sports reporters that the Coronavirus has really had a heavy impact on his team.
He noted that Cam Newton, Stephon Gilmore, and several other players, as well as some beer vendors, have now tested positive for COVID-19.
The Patriots coach said that his team's very promising season appears to be slowly going down the tubes.
Coach Bill fears he may end up sitting in his living room in his boxer shorts, with a Bud Light, tortilla chips, and guacamole dip, and watching all of the other NFL teams fighting it out.
Belichick went on to say that investigators have traced the source of the Coronavirus to one of the Patriots' cheerleaders.
The coach added that, under the Right-To-Know Act, he is releasing the cheerleader's name, age and vital statistics: Nutella Velveeta Flumadiddle, 25, (36-24-38).