Pele Says Two of His Star Soccer Players Have Tested Positive For Performance-Enhancing Drugs

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Wednesday, 16 September 2020

image for Pele Says Two of His Star Soccer Players Have Tested Positive For Performance-Enhancing Drugs
Pele at 5 a.m. walking towards the Sao Paulo Red Grasshoppers stadium.

SAO PAULO, Brazil – (Sports Satire) – Amazon News is reporting that the president of the Sao Paulo Red Grasshoppers, Pele, is very disappointed in two of his star players.

Sao Paulo striker Galixico Saludos and goalkeeper Allegro Cabeza de Vaca have both tested positive for Energensistina, which is a very strong performance enhancing drug.

This drug has been known to make normal Kentucky thoroughbred race horses increase their running speed by as much as 71.8%.

When Pele was told by the team trainer about the two positive tests, he began swearing in Portuguese, and actually ended up setting off the smoke detectors in his office.

Pele spoke with both players individually. Saludos told him that he thought that he was taking a sugar substitute.

Cabeza de Vaca explained that the label on the bottle of pills he was taking said, Erectilitus, which is the generic form of Viagra.

A very disappointed Pele told Amazon News, that he and the team’s board of directors, including the legendary Chicharito, are all in a state of shock.

The team is reportedly being fined $950 for both players, and Saludos and Cabeza de Vaca will each be suspended for 48 hours.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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