GUATEMALA CITY – (Sports Satire) - A little over 80,000 fans attended the season’s opening day game between the Guatemala City Banananistas and the Zacapa Iguanas.
Guatemala City manager Edelbertito Luna del Sol was very happy with his team, who pummeled Zacapa 14-1 before some of the loudest fans in all of soccer.
GC striker Enzo Carboncillo, who used to play for the Los Angeles Galaxy, scored 11 of the team's 14 points. Team owner Gomer Ixtantan presented him with the game ball afterwards.
The billionaire head of the Tapachula Hombres Drug Cartel told the team that he was so proud of them, that he is going to buy each player a 2020 Nissan Rogue.
Guatemala’s Nacional News interviewed Senor Ixtantan after the game, and he stated that each player has a $3 million contract.
He added that he has told the players that he will give each one an extra $25,000 bonus for each goal the player scores.
SIDENOTE: The manager of the Zacapa Iguanas said that Joey Vaca, the player who scored their lone point, is reportedly missing and they fear foul play.