Getting A Brazillian

Funny story written by Backandtotheleft

Sunday, 29 March 2020

image for Getting A Brazillian
*Loud noises*

We’re back! It only takes a global pandemic to drag us away from our day jobs of hanging around local pharmacies in case the methadone patients want to trade green liquid for shiny beads.

We’ve headed across to Brazil because, even though everyone is on lockdown, there are still some ways to catch a flight. Namely, blowjobs to pilots, but let’s not dwell on the past.

Everyone’s favourite Latin American lunatic, the President of Brazil, Jair Bolsonaro, has continued his one-man campaign for betterment, on behalf of the Coronavirus. Bolsonaro has continuously poured scorn on health experts worldwide, and their response to the virus, urging Brazilians to ignore their advice and carry on as fucking normal.

Bolsonaro said while wearing full protective gear:

"This virus nonsense has got to stop. There’s no such thing as an “infection” or “people dying in the streets”. It's all scaremongering by the mainstream media.

And the WHO, experts worldwide, and his own Ministry of Health.

But Bolsonaro waved these concerns off, stating:

"I have always being able to beat my rivals in a press-up contest, and I put the same challenge out to the Coronavirus nonsense. On the first of April, on live television, I challenge the Coronavirus to a press-up competition for leadership of Brazil!"

To illustrate his point, he dropped to the floor and began to vigorously press-up like his life (or country) depended on it. His technique was strange, a combination of loud grunts and far more pelvic thrusting than was strictly necessary.

Bolsonaro is a man who has, of course, decried science as “mumbo jumbo”, looks to US President Trump for inspiration, and believes sitting down too quickly can make you gay. So his declaration comes as zero surprise to those of us who have been following his rise to power. He is a man who would blame the going down of the sun on homosexuals.

Bolsonaro is yet another example of some shouty berk that has been promoted way beyond his ability. Kind of like putting a dildo in charge of flight control at a major international airport.

Anyway, if you want to see Bolsonaro take on the Coronavirus in a press-up contest, you can, on the 1st of April on Brazilian state TV.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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