LONG ISLAND, New York – (Sports Satire) – Back in April, Major League Baseball hired an investigating firm from Manhattan to conduct a secret investigation into all 30 MLB teams.
CBS Sports is reporting that the firm, Kellogg, Fribble, & Quay, discovered that, of the 30 MLB teams, 29 were found to have been involved in some form of cheating.
KF&Q noted that the Boston Red Sox cheated by using an off-brand of sunflower seeds in the dugout.
El Sol Sunflower Seeds were banned two years ago, due to having traces of a performance-enhancing drug.
They also noted that the Arizona Diamondbacks were found to be using a high grade of energy-boosting powder for their pitchers resin bags.
The "Ds" were also found to be using a chewing gum imported from Chile, which is on the U.S. Department of Imports' prohibited list, due to its high content of Estrogen, the female hormone.
And the Toronto Blue Jays were caught using a low-grade of moose meat in their post-game team dinners. The meat has been banned, since it has been known to cause male and female uvulas to suddenly fall off.
Meanwhile, MLB learned that only one team did not have any instances of cheating whatsoever; that team is the 2017 World Series Champion Houston Astros.