The man whose name is on nearly everyone's lips at the moment, the Manchester United and England defender Harry Maguire, has said that, at the age of only 27, he is ready to cash in on his amazing rags-to-riches success, and to set his life story down in black and white for posterity.
And for money, of course.
To this end, the United captain has commissioned the services of long-time spoof writer, waster, slacker and general layabout, Moys Kenwood, to write his biography.
Maguire, who cannot read or write, became aware of Kenwood after reading of his own crazy exploits and adventures in the writer's madcap and pointless made-up scribblings on satirical news website, TheSpoof.com.
He said:
"It seems that he understands me perfectly: an average footballer, made to look great by playing in average teams, getting a lucky break at Leicester, shining in a veritable 'sea of mediocrity', and then, most amazingly, getting picked up for a world record transfer fee by the greatest club in the world, Melchester United. There could only be one man to tell my incredible story - Moys Kendrick, or whatever his name is!"
Kenwood has plenty of material to go at. Famous incidents including being felled by a sliding tackle in the street near the Arndale Centre, performing a mincing walk through the same building, being turned away by his annoyed neighbours when Christmas carol singing, the now-infamous Norwich City fan abduction incident, the time the Yorkshireman spent self-isolating in his gas cupboard, the changing room groping incident, the time when an anonymous prankster shit in his boots, and many, many others will, no doubt feature in the book, which no true football fan will be able to resist.
For his part, Kenwood says he will start work on the project just as soon as he can be bothered, but advised enthusiasts not to hold their breath.
