Harry Maguire In Changing Room 'Groping' Incident

Written by Monkey Woods

Saturday, 5 October 2019

Harry Maguire, the Manchester United and England defender is tonight at the centre of not only the famous Old Traffotd club's shaky defence, but also of groping accusations, which manager Ole Hunnar Solskjaer has said he is determined to get to the bottom of.

Maguire, 26, told reporters that, in the showers, he may have been groped by either Juan Mata or Ashley Young - he's not sure which, because he had water in his eyes.

The grope was without any prior warning, and quite against his will.

"That having been said," laughed Maguire, "it wasn't unpleasant."

What happened next, though, is difficult to believe. And manifestly isn't true.

Neither was the bit about Mata and Young.

Anthony Martial sauntered over to 17-year-old Mason Greenwood, and dropped a bar of soap on the floor. Greenwood, being a polite young man with a heart full of kindness and respect, stooped to pick it up.

There was a 'mad rushing', followed by a scrum, but nobody was hurt.

Next, goalkeeper, David de Gea, who has enormous hands, groped Marcus Rashford, but denied this, saying he was practising gathering-in low, bouncing balls that skid across the wet turf.

Paul Pogba tactfully groped Victor Lindelöf, Marcos Rojo stroked Jesse Lingard's chin, Scott McTominay was manhandled by Angel Gomes, and Fred expertly massaged the shoulders of Aaron Wan-Bissaka who, to be fair, actually sounds like he might be worth groping.

The match ended 0-0.

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer said:

"We played well, and should have had a penalty, but we can't be having this. We've been working hard on the training ground, but I don't remember any of these particular moves being amongst the set pieces."

All of the above is untrue.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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